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Computer Aided Dating
Ramblings of the depraved.....
Welcome to my blog!
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Embarrassing Moment Number 930
Posted:Sep 30, 2021 5:38 pm
Last Updated:Oct 6, 2021 1:13 am

The Spawn and I were sitting in the car at the end of the driveway waiting for her bus arrive when I thought I had cough.

Instead, I nearly spit a lung with a chest crushing, phlegm rattled hacking fit.

"What was that about?"

" My God! I think I peed a little!"

I started pulling the car back the house....

"Where are we going? How much did you pee?!?"

"A little."

The Spawn started laughing I hopped out of the car head inside and change my panties.

"You wait until you're old and have had ."

I can't wait until you nearly piss your pants every time you sneeze or cough.....


Happy Thursday!
On today's episode of 'Food on my Boobs'...
Posted:Sep 28, 2021 4:26 pm
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2021 5:49 pm

There is just nothing classier than watching an oil soaked green pepper fall out of my Italian sub and land square on my right tit.


"Oh my God, really??"

It was a celebratory luncheon recognizing three of my coworkers who had earned their ten year anniversary.

"[secret_lade], whatcha doing?"

"I swear, I just need a bib. One with a pocket, I could use a snack for later."

I dabbed at the oil stain with my napkin, but it was way too late. I was going to be spending the rest of the day sporting oil boob.


Until next time.... I'll be the woman with food on her boobs.
The Turkey Trot
Posted:Sep 28, 2021 3:05 am
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2021 12:56 pm

There is a section of my morning commute that I have recently started calling The Turkey Trot.


Let me tell you!

Every morning this week I've gotten to a certain stretch of the drive and found a large group of wild turkeys just 'hanging out' in the middle of the road.


Some seated and resting, some milling about pecking at shit on the edge of the pavement, some of them staring me down and shooting me the evil eye as I roll up on their gang, impatiently revving my engine and flashing my own gang signs.

I'm still waiting for them challenge....

So far nothing.

Until that day, I guess I'll continue to just beep my horn, slowly roll forward, and hope for the best!

Happy Tuesday!
It's a quiet Sunday evening....
Posted:Sep 26, 2021 4:56 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2021 4:07 pm

The Ex Husband helped me move a truck load of boxes to the house today, only one more to go.

What an ordeal.

I can honestly say, this moving thing sucks.

The day before my Marine left for boot camp he had packed up all of his stuff and put it in a giant tote for safe keeping and slide it into a closet, out of the way. The tote emerged today and I immediately got weepy just seeing it, and knowing what was inside.

"Do you want me to keep this at my house? I can just slide it into a crawl space until he gets back."

That will be four years at the minimum....

"Ok. He's got some really expensive gaming equipment in there. Really expensive...."

"It'll be ok. I'm going to take it right into the house as soon as I get home, it's not going to sit outside and get rained on or anything."

"Ok, keep it safe."

He opened the lid to the tote to take a peek at what was inside, his cap and gown caught me immediately off guard. I could still see his smiling face wearing that cap and gown, handing me a yellow carnation.

"Here you go Ma, this is for you."

Not going to lie, I still feel like a piece of me is missing without my Marine around, but it's getting easier to accept and move forward. It sure hurt like hell to watch that tote leave, though, on the back of the Ex Husband's truck. It almost felt like I was losing him all over again....

We are all feeling the loss, though.

My Oldest had called me up Friday night and wanted to talk.

A little unusual for him....

During the course of the conversation he had asked me if I'd heard from the Marine. My heart went out to him. He asked me if I would tell the Marine next time I hear from him that he misses him and loves him.

I said I would.

I listened to my Oldest cry on the other end of the phone for the first time in quite a few years.

He was missing his brother.

Up until that point I had always been the basket case, crying every time I turned around. It didn't occur to me that others were only keeping it together because they knew I could not.

And now that I'm getting stronger....

It's their turn to come to me for comfort. To release their own emotions.

I surely do miss my Marine, my Middle , but life is slowly moving forward and good changes are happening. I hope the good changes are happening for him as well.

Happy Sunday!
The Perils of Country Living
Posted:Sep 25, 2021 5:37 am
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2021 4:59 am

Having lived in a second floor apartment for nearly ten years, are a few things I've not really experienced in a while.

The sounds of night time silence....

Complete darkness with the exception of the moon....

My favorite, so far, has been the meandering wildlife just milling about, living their life.

Or so I thought.....

I had just gotten off the phone with my oldest last night and had nearly fallen asleep when I heard a loud thud on the wall in my bedroom.

"Holy shit! What the was that??"

Pulling the covers up my eyeballs, I laid waiting see if I could hear any other noises.

No doorknobs rattling, not windows being tapped on or attempted break in....

Then I heard again.


This time outside my bedroom window.

Frozen in terror, took every ounce of my will to slowly pull myself out of bed and walk the three or four steps between my bed and the window.

"Oh my God, please don't let be a person out .... Please don't let be a person out .... Please don't let be a person out ...."

I pulled my curtains open expecting the blinds be closed behind them but I had been lazy and just slid the curtains closed last night, the blinds were wide open.


Now screaming at the top of my lungs, I was starting face to face with two deer that were munching on the grass right outside my bedroom window. took me a full on minute to realize they were deer and not maniacal killers brandishing weapons for a forced entry.

"Mom! Mom! Mom! What is Mom!"

A terrified Spawn was now running into my room, climbing into my bed, covers up to her eyes.

"'s deer, outside my window, they scared the shit out of me."

"Really mom?!? Deer???"

"Hey, you didn't live it like I did. In my mind, it was the prelude a horror movie."

I watched them for a few more moments before they disappeared into the trees behind my house. I'm certain they'll be causing a few more heart stopping experiences in my near future...

Happy Saturday!
Toilet Brush Tragedy
Posted:Sep 24, 2021 5:46 pm
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2021 3:01 pm

The fancy toilet brush I accidentally ordered last week came in the today....


Yah..... Let's just add a insult injury !!

Not did I not really want the stupid thing begin with, I can't even use it.


Now I get wait in line at a customer counter and make a fucking return.

I'd rather watch paint dry.


Part of me is wondering if I can somehow make this thing work for me, broken or not.

Give me enough time, and I can rationalize anything make work....

Just one of my gifts.

Here's toilet brushes and Friday nights!!

Happy Friday!
It's been a minute....
Posted:Sep 23, 2021 1:44 pm
Last Updated:Sep 27, 2021 5:42 pm

A lot has happened within a short amount of time.

The big move has happened and it was quite the ordeal.

Want to learn a little about yourself?? Pack up your life and move it from town to town...

You won't be disappointed!

I enrolled the Spawn in her new school today.

Talk about an ordeal...

Not only did I have to show two proofs of residency but I also had to consent to a home visit.


No joke, folks! Apparently the school in Bellaire is not a 'school of choice' school, which means you have to prove you live in the school district to attend.

I'm currently waiting for the bus driver to stop by and introduce himself on his way home...

Even with all the oddities involving the school, I have to say, I'm really loving this cute little town. The school tour went well and I'm excited for the Spawn to start her first day. The house is perfect and in a perfect location, sandwiched between three lakes and a short drive to Lake Michigan. The drive to and from work isn't even all that bad.... I get to listen to music and collect my thoughts every morning and every evening.

In all, it was a much needed change at a very crucial time for me.

Here's to new beginnings!
Where'd that Mack Truck go??
Posted:Sep 15, 2021 3:39 am
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2021 7:15 pm

The one that hit me and left me for dead....

Not going to lie, I'm feeling rough this morning.

I'd gotten very little sleep during my trip because the ex husband and oldest chose to stay up until 3-4 am and drink with the local riff raff every single night, right outside my bedroom window. Needing to be at the recruit base by 7 am every day and doing ALL of the driving didn't help, either. Top that with driving straight through on the way back and coming immediately back to work Monday and I'm one exhausted secret_lade.

One exhausted secret_lade who is now trying to MOVE....

Wish me luck because I think this week is trying to kill me.

Happy Wednesday!
8 states, 7 days, 4 people, 1 graduation
Posted:Sep 14, 2021 3:55 am
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2021 5:29 pm

We all have a few special moments that will live in our minds as 'the best' moment ever.

The birth of ....

Wedding days....

Special personal accomplishments....

For me, watching my Marine graduate became one of those moments. I can't even describe the pride I feel for him and this accomplishment he has earned.

Even more special after visiting where he has been through all this.....

I learned something very important during the course of this visit to South Carolina.

I was NOT meant to live anywhere near a hot weather climate.

I spent my days like a gross, sweaty mess with semi-wet frizzy hair, feet bit to hell by red ants.

I learned quickly that sandals were not my friend in SC.

By graduation day on Friday, I was nearly unrecognizable. I sat in the stands, waiting for the graduation to commence, and kind of scanned the crowd around me.

Beautiful women with perfect make-up and perfectly styled hair.....

And then there was me. Trailer trash Tammy who just rolled up in her pick-up truck with the rebel flag window tint.


Dirt stuck to my sweaty legs with a ring of ant bites around my ankles.


If I were given a choice to do it all over again and relive that moment when my Marine marched across the Parade Deck before me? I would relive every last miserable detail!

Happy Tuesday!
And so it begins....
Posted:Sep 5, 2021 6:19 pm
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2021 5:51 pm

Just got into vacation argument number one with the ex husband.

I haven't even left Gaylord yet.....

"[secret_lade]! You still planning on leaving at around 8am tomorrow?"

The Ex Husband always sounds angry and pissed off with me on the phone, I hate talking to him on the phone.

"Yes, that's my plan. I'd like to...."

"Well, [oldest ] said if he has to do a drug test won't be able to go until after ."

"What do you mean a drug test?!? Why does he need do a drug test?"

"It's part of his probation."

"Why am I just now finding out about this? Does he even have permission go?"

I was angry.

Thank you, Douche Bag, for springing this on me at 8:30 the night before we're supposed leave.

"He may not even have do one. He hasn't had do one in a long time. Are you going have room for my Yeti cooler in the back?"

"I should, the back of my car is pretty big. [The Spawn] and I only have one suitcase. When you get here in the morning...."

"I wanted you pick me up."

For God's sake, why is he always interrupting me????

"What do you mean you want me pick you up? Why would I drive all the way out of town to pick you up so I can drive all the way back into town to get on the expressway?"

"I want to leave my truck in the driveway so it looks like I'm home."

Are you kidding me???

I'm doing this guy a HUGE favor. I'm trucking his ass all the way to South Carolina because he hasn't had a driver's license in 30 years. I've done everything I could do to make this trip as easy for myself and the Spawn as I can and he's already done nothing but make things difficult.

"You know, you wouldn't do ANY of this for me, if the situation were reversed...."

Cut off again. Damn him!

"I should just fucking stay home!"

Yes you should you miserable fucker!!

"Jesus Christ, how about thinking about....."

It doesn't take me long to realize how much happier I am when I'm not around the Ex Husband.

For seventeen years my opinion meant nothing.

Seventeen years of unfinished sentences and unshared thoughts.

Seventeen years of someone else second guessing everything single thing I did.

Seventeen years of, you're hair looks weird... why are you wearing that.... don't just hide in the corner like you always do when we get to my cousin's house.

I disliked socializing with his derelict, half in the bag, pot smoking friends and would usually keep to myself.

As much as I want to enjoy my upcoming vacation, I can already feel the wind being sucked out of it's sails.

I just have to keep in mind, I'm doing this for my .

It is so important him have his whole family at his graduation....

And they will be there.

Wish me luck!
Crow! It's what's for dinner!!
Posted:Sep 4, 2021 3:13 pm
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2021 1:12 am

Ever have one of those moments....

When you're just so sick of excuses and lies that you immediately think the worst?

Suuure.... Blood clot you say.... Absolutely, you MUST go to the hospital to get that checked out!! Your girlfriend needs to drive you so she needs to leave early?? What are you waiting for? Go!

I was at my desk when two floor employees rushed into my office.

"I've gotta go. I have a blood clot in my arm. I need to go to the hospital."

One of our newer 18 year old employees was holding his arm up, bent at the elbow, to show my the underside of his arm near his armpit.

"See, it's swollen. I have to go!"

My immediate thought was, blood clot?!? His underarm is swollen and his mind goes to blood clot??

"Ok. If you feel concerned that you need to be looked at, you should go. I'll write you down on the board as an early departure."

The girlfriend had been idly standing by while the gun show was happening and spoke up.

"I'm going to need to go too. I have to drive him."

Wait... What?!?

Yah.... Right!! And I'd better tag along to administer CPR in case something happens.

"You have to go to?"

"I have to drive him."

"Um, ok. Before you guys leave, you need to let your leader know."

And they were off.

I was thirty seconds into an internal tirade about dependability when their leader appeared in my doorway with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Can you believe those two?? He's eighteen years old, how does he even know about blood clots?!? And SHE needs to drive him?? Good lord...."

By now Randy Andy was chuckling and started to hand over the paper. It was a doctor's note detailing his 'underarm thrombosis'.

"He really does have a blood clot. He brought this in last week and I forgot to bring it back here until he told me just now he was worried about it."

"What?!? Are you kidding me??? Oh My God!! I feel like such an idiot! I immediately assumed he was lying. Why does she have to leave early though, he can't drive himself to the emergency room with a blood clot?"

"No, all he has is a learners permit. He can't drive on his own."

Randy Andy was now full on laughing and I'm certain I was a million shades of red.

"Oh My God, I'm the worst person alive. I hear so many stupid excuses around here I've gotten to the point I think everyone is just lying to me. I'm such a heel!"

When I saw Blood Clot Boy working Friday I made it a point to say 'hi' and ask him how he was doing.

He's on a new medication and he thanked me for my concern with a smiling face.

This was definitely a lesson to me....

It may be tempting to do so, but you can't always jump to conclusions!

Happy Saturday!!
Cardboard Castle
Posted:Sep 3, 2021 3:59 am
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2021 1:12 am

My apartment is full of packing boxes.

Even I'm sitting , drinking my coffee and watching the news, I see the Tilly Cat perched upon the highest stack like a mountain climber atop Mt. Everest, smug smile and her tiny little face.

Nose Hairs has been bringing boxes week aid in my moving efforts....

He had been shocked Monday when I said I was moving, I think it was the first time I've ever seen him speechless.

I wound telling him the whirlwind story of how it came be and how excited I am that I'll be living by so many lakes in such a cute little town....

And apparently he's taken it upon himself to research the area. I didn't know this until yesterday when he mentioned something about being in the country.

"I'm really not that far from everything. Heck, I'm only a half hour from Traverse City. That's even closer than Gaylord."

"Yah, I know, I was looking at the map....."

His story continued, but I was like, what the hell??

You were looking at the map?!?

I know, it's pretty apparent that he has a crush on me. But, 's the thing, the guy has a live in girlfriend.

Lots of red flags flying, my friends... I can't even see beyond the red.

And with that I'll just say.....

Happy Friday!
On today's episode of 'What?? Really?!?'
Posted:Sep 2, 2021 3:43 am
Last Updated:Sep 4, 2021 2:41 pm

Secret_lade is at her desk preparing for orientation when she receives a phone call from the Corporate Contact Center.

"Hi, this is Bobby Sue. I have a call for you from an Amanda, she wants to talk about her orientation today."

"Ok, send her through."

Bobby Sue dropped the line and was immediately replaced by the screaming voice of a having a temper tantrum.

"Hi, this is [secret_lade]."

"Oh, heeeeyyyyy.... This is Amanda. I can't find no one to watch my . Can I just bring him with me to orientation?"

Are you fucking kidding me??

I must be on candid camera somewhere.....

I peered about my office but did not see any sketchy cameras or strange people milling about in the background.

"No, I'm sorry, orientation is considered to be an actual work day. You will be in a class with three other people and it would be unfair to them to have to listen to what I'm listening to right now while they are trying to learn."

Silence aside from the sound of her now crying .

"Would you like to try to reschedule? I'm on vacation next week but I will be having another orientation the week after?"

I was trying to be as nice as possible, after all I'd already waited a month for her to get her birth certificate so she would have two forms of I-9 identification.

This woman clearly did not want a job.

"Um.... Let me make a few calls to see if I can find a sitter. I really need to start this job right away."


That was the last I heard from her. No call no show for orientation, no phone calls back to reschedule, no chance for employment now.

Good lord!

Happy Thursday!!

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